Attachment Issues In Couples Therapy

 

I have always enjoyed therapy with couples. This is exciting, interactive work that can quickly lead to dramatic changes. By enhancing your couple's communication patterns, you can not only improve your relationship but also learn more about yourself and what drives your actions. And just like with individual therapy, if the client wants to change, they will. However, after years of working, I am still amazed at how difficult it is to create lasting change when dealing with a codependent relationship based on negative attachment issues. Because I work extensively with abuse and trauma survivors, many of the couples who come to me have experienced this from one or both backgrounds. Child abuse can lead to long-term trauma, attachment problems, and personality disorders.

And people are often drawn to others whose bonding skills and interaction styles complement each other.

For example, it is common for adults in alcoholic families to be attracted to the adult children of other alcoholics, even if neither of them are alcoholics. They are attracted not only because they have similar backgrounds, but also because they are likely to have similar styles of communication and the ability to be intimate. Both are used to living with people who have secrets and perhaps a passive-aggressive communication style. They can be used to nurture and push boundaries, especially if the parent is a substance abuser. They may also be traumatized by physical or sexual abuse. When two people are attracted to each other, they don't need to know all the details of their origins to feel connected. When they go to therapy, they know each other's weaknesses and how to take advantage of each other, but they may not be equally prepared to change the interaction patterns that have been established between them. Some time ago, I worked with a couple* who experienced childhood abuse. They have been dating for nine years, four of which have been married. He was the one calling for couples therapy, claiming their relationship was unhealthy. He said she was very angry because she felt cold and uncared for and loved by her. He believed her abusive background hurt her sexuality and her ability to love. So he became afraid to include children in it. She insisted.

When I first met her, she seemed emotionless and indifferent to his illness, but she was willing to comply with his demands for her treatment. But as the weeks went by, it was she who was doing all the effort to change her, while he used his debater skills and her keen mind to keep her on the defensive. It became clear. She wasn't considerate or attentive enough. She wasn't sociable. She was not professionally ambitious, but she was also overworked. What I realized was that while she was depraved, she was also passive-aggressive. This combination of features is not uncommon. A depraved person usually represses her emotions, so her resentment grows and manifests itself in other ways. Insightful as he may be, he seemed oblivious to all the attempts she was making. More importantly, he didn't seem to think he needed to change either. When I tried to talk to him about this, he appeared wounded and suggested that we were going to ally against him.  

We asked each of them to come to a separate session. I am a couple and do this sometimes when one or both of us feel shy in the room. He invited her to enter her first. Now that I was alone she showed me everything I noticed. She also noticed that she was jumping through hoops, but that didn't seem to matter. She talked about his insecurities and dark moods and how he took it all on her. Annoyed, she said, "I'm still very physically attracted to him and we have an active sex life. But how can I be warm and affectionate when he's being put down all the time?" can you?" he said.

I asked her if she could imagine standing up for herself in this relationship. Could she have made him realize that she was not responsible for making him feel better? There was a recognized look on her face, and she seemed to confirm that she could do it. After the session, she shook my hand and thanked me. I often find later that one partner seeking change recognizes the other as a problem and then realizes how complicated the situation is and that both sides are responsible for the tension between them. I remembered.

A few days later she got a call from her worrying about her. She said her chance had come of its own accord, noting in the mildest way that he sometimes takes out his frustrations on her rather than on people or situations they should be directing. "He walked away in a rage. I suggested she give her time to think about what she said. It may have been difficult for him to understand because he was not used to being confronted. 

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